Don’t know what to tweet about? Here is a compilation of some funny phrases and short jokes from the internet that you can copy and paste directly to your Twitter account. Bookmark and share this page as I will be adding more funny phrases often.

Just copy and paste to Twitter:

• Walking isn’t a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage. – Evan Esar.
• When using a toilet plunger, always remember to keep your mouth shut.
• It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. – Mark Twain.
• These two words will open you many doors in life… “pull & push”.
• If you think about it, the Earth is bipolar. This may explain a lot.
• When I want your opinion, I’ll remove the duct tape.
• Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
• If guns kill people, then spoons make people fat.
• Sometimes small things in life hurt a lot. If you don’t agree with me, try to sit on a needle.
• As I said before… I never repeat myself.
• Love is grand… divorce is a hundred grand!
• Employees make the best dates. You don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax deductible. – Andy Warhol.
• If your wife asks for “space”, leave her outside.
• If we can now send a man to the moon, why not send all of them?
• Single women complain that all good men are taken. Married women complain about their husbands.
• If a man steals your woman, the best revenge is to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry.
• Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
• 90% of the game is half mental.
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• I am an excellent house keeper. Every time I divorce, I keep the house.
• You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
• Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
• I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
• It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
• I’m looking for treasure, so can I see your chest?
• Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?
• My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
• I love girls with big tweets.
• Tweet this you big ostrich.
• The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch.
• Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.
• Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you’re up to.
• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• All men are animals; some just make better pets.
• Love is like heaven but hurts like hell.
• If at first you don’t succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• You! Out of the gene pool  Now!
• To steal from one author is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. – Wilson Mizner.
• Bell’s Theorem: As soon as the body is immersed fully in the bathtub, the telephone will ring.
• Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Zadra’s Law of Biomechanics:
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reachability of the area.
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• Owen’s Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
• All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
• Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
• Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
• There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
• Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
• Diplomacy  the art of letting someone have your way.
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?