Don’t know what to tweet about? Here is a compilation of some funny phrases and short jokes from the internet that you can copy and paste directly to your Twitter account. Bookmark and share this page as I will be adding more funny phrases often.


Just copy and paste to Twitter:

  • Walking isn’t a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage. – Evan Esar.
  • When using a toilet plunger, always remember to keep your mouth shut.
  • It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. – Mark Twain.
  • These two words will open you many doors in life… “pull & push”.
  • If you think about it, the Earth is bipolar. This may explain a lot.
  • When I want your opinion, I’ll remove the duct tape.
  • Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  • If guns kill people, then spoons make people fat.
  • Sometimes small things in life hurt a lot. If you don’t agree with me, try to sit on a needle.
  • As I said before… I never repeat myself.
  • Love is grand… divorce is a hundred grand!
  • Employees make the best dates. You don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax deductible. – Andy Warhol.
  • If your wife asks for “space”, leave her outside.
  • If we can now send a man to the moon, why not send all of them?
  • Single women complain that all good men are taken. Married women complain about their husbands.
  • If a man steals your woman, the best revenge is to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry.
  • Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
  • 90% of the game is half mental.
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  • I am an excellent house keeper. Every time I divorce, I keep the house.
  • You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
  • Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
  • I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
  • It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
  • I’m looking for treasure, so can I see your chest?
  • Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?
  • My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
  • I love girls with big tweets.
  • Tweet this you big ostrich.
  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch.
  • Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.
  • Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you’re up to.
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • All men are animals; some just make better pets.
  • Love is like heaven but hurts like hell.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • You! Out of the gene pool  Now!
  • To steal from one author is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. – Wilson Mizner.
  • Bell’s Theorem: As soon as the body is immersed fully in the bathtub, the telephone will ring.
  • Anthony’s Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Zadra’s Law of Biomechanics:
  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reachability of the area.
  • 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • Owen’s Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  • All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
  • Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
  • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  • There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
  • Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
  • Diplomacy  the art of letting someone have your way.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?